Mmmm

Just like any other day. It's okay.

Always in her Shadow...

Ever since we were little kids... It seems like I'm always living in her shadows; envious of everything she has or get in her life. She's always one step ahead of me no matter how much effort I put into everything I do. The family love I wanted, the career path I chose, what car I drive... She's the closest person in my life, yet, I see her... As someone who will always be more successful than I am in every way possible. So much more successful that I'm just living in her shadows picking up the remaining.

I just bought a car today, but it was something she wanted. I needed a car and she's going to get the 2014 version.

感謝上帝

Thank you, Lord.

Happy ^_^

I've been making a lot of changes in my life. (:

*Almost* (Haha, I get lazy sometimes) every Monday to Thursday, I go to the gym after work. My company provides a free gym, so I run on the treadmill for 15min and lift for 30min.

*Almost* (Sometimes, I just want to stay in and be anti-social ^_^) every Friday, I go out clubbing~ I used to think that I'd hate it because I don't like to listen to music really loud. But I came to realize that I LOVE to blast EDM music! :DDD I love the loud music, 4 hours of not having to care about what's going on around the world, and just free my mind and dance the night away after a long week of work. Life is so much fun when you just let yourself loosen up and go with the flow.

Every Sunday morning, I go to church. I enjoy going to church even if I'm dead tired. I don't think I'd become one of those extremely religious person that'd think about God for every occasion or preach about it, but I enjoy it. Going to church just gives me a sense of peace and it makes me take on alternative solutions to go about problems and troubles that surface in life.

I recently bought a violin! ^_^ I'm going to practice it every night and become awesome at it!

Life.

A Delete Button for my Brain

I want to love again. But I don't want to love again. I don't ever want to love again. I want to delete that part of my brain so I will never have to think about it again. I don't want to be bothered about it ever again. I don't want it plaguing my mind again. I don't want to feel it ever again. I don't want to hurt again. I don't want it. How do I create such button?

Creating Happy Memories

Susanna's house is going to be sold soon (well, they signed a contract to put it on hold for someone, but it's basically sold), so we wanted to do something before we have to leave the house for good. Susanna set up a house party and invited a lot of our friends. It was great. There were a lot of people that we haven't seen since Susanna's graduation.

We did BBQ, jumped into the pool, played 3 games of Mafia and had the craziest laughter filling up the house, and ended the night with a nice game of Charades.

I wish life can be as joyful and happy as it was today. ^_^ It's great to have wonderful friends and be with those that matters the most to us. Those that showed up are truly the greatest friends that we can ever ask for. As for those that didn't show up, I guess they have something more important to attend. :P But they're still good people, hahahaha...

What a great day. I'll be heading off to sleep now and attend church tomorrow thanking God for this wonderful life. ^_^ Hehe...

Expectations. Motivation. Goals. Life.

... Is it wrong to be satisfied with what I have now? As a human being, am I always required to strive for more?

It's not like I don't want to strive for more... I am honestly fine with what I have now. I currently have no motivation or anything that would drive me for more. Maybe in a few years, but not now.

My aunt and uncle finally found a buyer for the house. Now my mom and them are pushing me to get a house. My aunt just mentioned it at the table and she asked why didn't I go for my CPA. Am I looking for a better paying job? Why am I so lazy?

... I love my job. I am satisfied with what I have right now. I don't want more right now. I don't want a house. I don't want a nice car. I don't need a lot of money. I just want to enjoy my life right now. I want to slack off if I want to slack off. I want to go clubbing if I want to go clubbing. If I want to go to church, I'll go to church. I want to learn an instrument if I want to learn an instrument. Nothing I want requires huge amount of money.

I wish I can just live my own life without other people spitting in my face telling me that I'm stupid for not wanting more. Well, fuck you. Stop telling me what to do with my life. I won't regret a single thing that I'm doing right now. Fuck off.

I've been really down lately... Not only because of all these talk, but the things happening around me. I've been making a lot of mistakes when I'm working and my manager gives me the look of disapproval. I try not to think about it too much, but I keep worrying about being fired. I already accepted the fact that I'm not smart or have that kind of mind to think outside of the box, but I try hard. I honestly try really hard to do everything that I can. I can only go so far.

I just wish... All these problems would disappear from my life. This is when I just sleep it off. I think I'm going to sleep.

Ups and Downs

Life has ups and downs and let me tell you this... It's fucking down tonight.

Why can't the fucking pain go away?

God, where are you?

I'm Sorry

Confession. Recently, I accused a friend of lying because I jumped to conclusion without trying to understand the real story behind it. She got upset and just cut me off. Then I realized... I've been a jerk these past few years, huh...

I didn't really noticed that I was treating my close friends so bad in the past that I just cloud my head with thoughts that I'm always the right one and they're always wrong. I tell myself that I am a good person and I would never hurt anyone's feelings.

I think I lost a few of my close friends because of my attitude and judgmental habits. I finally realized that I'm not as good of a person as I thought I'd be. You know, I'm always trying my best to take it so as long as they are happy, I'm happy too. I always try to put others ahead of me and satisfy them because I don't want any conflicts between us. But in reality, I think I'm hurting more people than I'm trying to be good.

I felt so bad last night for accusing my friend of lying. I prayed before I went to sleep and I think God has shown me the answer. Today after work while I was at the gym, I was just thinking of all the horrible stuff that I have said to my friends; close or not close. After I ate dinner, I sent a few of my friends messages apologizing for what I have said to the past to them. Whether they took it offensively or didn't care what I've said, I knew it was something I should not have said.

I was to slowly improve myself as a person and as a friend to be more careful with what I say, what I assume, and what I do. I want to get rid of my old habits and be a person that I want to be.

To all those that I have treated poorly in the past, I am sorry for the things that I've done. I hope you find it in the hearts to forgive me. :)

Happy Father's Day

I started my day by spending time with Heavenly Father and Lord Jesus. (: I went to church and we talked about the greatness of our fathers. It got my thinking again.

I would like to thank my father for bringing me to this world. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here today. I would like to thank him for giving me such a wonderful mom; caring and sweet. Although he wasn't there most of my life, I still really love him and misses him. If he was still here, I would give it all to spend the day with him and make him the happiest person alive. When I browsed through Facebook, it bothered me. I just wish people really told their daddy Happy Father's Day instead of just posting on Facebook to let everyone else see. Facebook is not your dad. Go to him and tell him Happy Father's Day. Make him breakfast. Treat him to lunch/dinner. Spend the day with him. If they're busy working, give him a call.

I prayed for my father and told him how much I love him and how grateful I am to be here in this world. I hope he's happy where ever he is.

I was kicked out of the house again because auntie was having open house again, so I went to Ikea and met up with Eva. Her dad had work today, so they're doing a dinner for her dad tomorrow. I ended up going to her house to visit her new dog, Taro. :3 Sooo cute~ I really want a puppy too! Too bad... I have to wait until I move. But that's okay! I'm getting closer to that point after each paycheck!

I wish every father in this world a Happy Father's Day! (:

Going Beyond and More?

For the longest time after I graduated and got a job, I felt like there is no more motivation to excel higher in life. I was satisfied with that I have in my life. I graduated, I have a car, I have a job, and I'm not shit poor anymore. I was kind of depressed about no motivation to do anything. I tried but my mind set was just stuck at the position where I really don't want anything else.

But recently, I felt a sudden push; an urge! << Lmao, sounds so lame. But yeah... My cousin got a free guinea pig and he didn't want to keep it. He offered to give it to me, but auntie won't let me bring it back. ._. Not only that, but I want a puppy too! And as long as I live with her, I can't get any furries! On top of this, my mom has been really bothersome to get me to look into buying a house soon because the housing market is recovering and the growth rate is REALLY fast right now. & sometimes, my auntie gets really annoying about certain things.

So I finally get this urge that I want to get my own house... How am I gonna do it?

I've been doing extensive reading on stock market.

I want to pick up a new skill.

Get a 2nd job?

Get back to making YouTube videos?

Anything for money!

And I want the 2014 Toyota Corolla. (:

Money is everything!

Couldn't Have Asked for Better Friends

This weekend has been AWESOME! ^_^

Friday night, I went to Unkei's house and just hung out all night until 4am with a bunch of friends playing Monopoly, watching movies, having oysters, and just chat our night away.

Saturday, I got to finally meet up with Amanda and Cathy from LLIC. I haven't anyone since last summer and it's great to do some catching up. We're all having a great life and everything's great! After I drove them back, I headed for Baldwin's Birthday party. It was one hell of a night. His family is nice. :)

I just got home and took a shower. Church at 9am and who knows... Maybe I'll reserve some time for myself or maybe some plans will come up. If anything, it will be a good life.

I just looked back at my Xanga for a bit and boy was I negative back in the days. I was always looking at the bad side of life and only blog when I had something to rant about. I guess it's the stages of life. Today, I either have a boring day or I a wonderful day. I think my stress days are over, until maybe when my mom wants me to go back for graduate school. For now, I'm in my mid 20s having the life of my dream~ :] Could use a little spicing up, but I'm satisfy with what I have now. It's so much more enjoyable to blog about my happy life than to rant about having a shitty life.

Thinking back, I think I'm more of an independent and carefree person. Taking this weekend for example, I was enjoying the time of my life without a care in a world of what will happen the next day. For a bit, I'm glad I am single. I don't have to worry about oh, my girlfriend couldn't make it, so my experience is gonna be shitty. I don't have to think about it and I don't have to make sure a SO is having fun or worry about if she gets upset at something or whatnot. Being single is not the end of the world and I think I'd prefer being single over having to worry about a SO. Until the day I meet someone that matches my personality of being carefree and independent, I'm just going to enjoy each day without the care of what will happen tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful life and giving me all these wonderful friends to be part of my life. Until next time, peace~! ^_^

Productive Day~ ^_^

Woke up almost late to church, but I made it to Chinatown by 9:12 for church at 9:15. :)

I came home feeling lazy and laying around. This kind of weather (97 degrees) is perfect for a day of just being lazy, but I really wanted to clean out my car. Uncle taught me how to change my oil by changing my oil so I tried changing Susanna's oil. :D Success! From now on, I can change my own car oil! Such a simple process that we usually pay $30~$40 to have someone else do it...

After changing my oil, I completely cleaned out from inside to outside of my car. I vacuumed the floor, cleaned the seats, wiped down the inside, scrubbed the outside of my car, and hosed it down. During this process, I realized how many door scratches I have on my car... I need to start parking far far away from other people... So unethical! :T My car used to look nice! Now when I look closely, there's so many scratches!

After cleaning up my car, Susanna and her boyfriend decided to open up the pool, so I jumped in too. It was nice although it was filled with pollen.

Ended the night with a nice hot shower, and dinner while watching Family Guy. :3 Oh the life.

感谢上帝。

Grateful

Today was a nice day. It has been raining all week so the sun has not came out for a while. My friends and I planned a birthday party for one of their birthday at my house and head out to Cape Cod for the Memorial weekend, but the rain storm all week decided to get heavy in Massachusetts this weekend. It was all good though. Even though we couldn't go to Cape Cod, we just chilled at my house and had a relaxing weekend. As long as everyone is happy, then that makes life enjoyable.

I am really thankful to have such wonderful friends in my life. They don't have to be smart and do great things or stupid to make myself feel superior. I think of friends as a second family in my life. People who cares about you and will stand by you no matter what in circumstances you are in makes them the greatest friends you can ever have. I didn't really like the area I lived at during high school, so I didn't really make any friends. I don't know how I got through those years, but I also made truly great friends on MapleStory. Although we couldn't be physically together, we still share memories, laughter, good times and bad over vent and in game. Once I entered college, I told myself that I wanted to change. I wanted to stop being that loner that gets off school and just be a hermit at home playing games all day. Four years and a semester, I truly met some wonderful friends. The scariest part of finishing school is thinking that everyone would go their separate ways and live their lives in different part of the world. Lets not forget the friends that I have met during my internship in Hong Kong/Shanghai last summer. I am truly grateful have all these people in my life and continue to make great memories with me.

One of my friend has gotten me to go to church with her for a while now. At first, I couldn't believe I agreed to go with her. While growing up, I always made fun of religious beliefs and I never really took it seriously. I joined the bandwagon of people that says science proves everything and religion is just something to brainwash people's mind and taking all their money for the group starter's own benefit. I still believe a lot do do so, but those are terrible people (For example, my Burger King's manager goes to a church where she donates like 80% of her money but the church building is still run down while the pastor drives really nice cars and live big houses.. Hmm?)

After I started work, I was feeling really down because all I did was go to work and come home doing nothing but sit in front of the computer. My friend asked me if I wanted to try going church with her so I was like sure, why not. She has been a Christian for 10 years now. For a while, I wanted to check it out too when I saw the peace and happiness in Victoria's grandmother's smile and heart as a Christian. Even though she was in a lot of pain from sickness, she still believe in God and loves God. She knows that He has a plan for her and he will look after her no matter what happens. The doctor diagnose that she had half a year to live, but she lived on for another four years before passing away. Is God really that powerful to make people overcome their hardship and pain?

I have been to church for a month now (April 14)? I go almost every Sunday except the Sunday that I went to Walk for Hunger. I really enjoyed going and it gives me a little life advice every time I go. I feel that it makes me look outside of the box and try to think of things as positive even though they're negative things. It gives me a little better prospective in life. It makes me feel peaceful and calm at times. I'm not going to go around preaching about God to people; just something to give myself an alternative view of life. It's a good feeling :)

Well, I should head to sleep. I'm really glad my life is getting back together and I'm not stuck in that moody mindset. Church and working out is all I really need. :D And maybe pick up on some new interest like picking up programming again, maybe. Thank you, 上帝。Thank you, friends.

Until next time, good night.

Been Really Down Lately...

*sigh* Life. :\ Emo post warning.

I have graduated. I got a job. I have an okay car to drive. I don't plan on buying a house anytime soon.

What do I do now? Lately, I have been really out of whack. I haven't been hanging out with anyone. I just go to work and I come home and do nothing. I'm slowly losing interest in playing games. They're all the same and they're all getting really boring. Without games, there's nothing else that can keep me from thinking... Lol,  yes, thinking is a bad thing for me. I have a tendency to think about stupid stuff. I've just been really down lately... I think it is because I lack human interaction. Uncle doesn't really talk to me much. Auntie's always working because she has two jobs. Andy just hides in his room and read reddit all day. At work, I can't really connect with anyone. They're all in the 30s and 40s. When you work at a small company, they usually want to hire experienced people because they don't have the money and time to invest in training new grads. I was an exception because my manager wanted someone that just graduated from college and eager to learn new things. But even my manager doesn't really come into the office because she likes to stay home and take care of her kids. Not only because of the age differences, but Americans tend to only love talking about sports. I think a lot of Asians agree on this. We're not really that much into sports and we just do our jobs.

My mom called me recently. She calls me a lot. She has this friend that lives in San Francisco. My mom was a babysitter for her since my mom was 16 and she watched her grow up. They're like best friends and she's wicked smart. She has her MBA, CPA, worked for PwC and everything. She's a school-a-holic as a matter of fact. Her mom's a teacher, so she loves to study. My mom trust in her more than her own son. When I was applying for colleges, she had me verify with this friend of hers before I accept because my mom doesn't trust in my own judgement. Well the other night, she was telling my mom how I was posting so much Facebook status about how I play games a lot over the weekend. She was telling my mom that I am wasting my life away and that I should go back to school and get my Masters. She thinks that without education, a person is going to rust up and be useless lacking in knowledge.

To be honest, I'd agree to a certain point that a person would because useless without knowledge. But I am done with school. I am done with the stress. I am not as smart as she is. I admit I am a lazy person and I am not smart. I realized how stressful school was for me now that I don't have to go to school anymore. As of now, I do not ever want to go back to school again.

My mom told me that and my mom also agreed that maybe I should go back to school. It really bothered me a lot. It really bothers me that my mom always take that friend's suggestion to dictate my life. Just because she is successful and smart, it doesn't mean I am up to her standards. There are things that she can do that I can't do. Just let my life be and let me make my own choices!

After that, I actually did gave it a second thought that maybe I should pick up a new interest. I refuse to go back to school, but I might start looking into online free courses from MIT or something. Last night, I tried to look into music theory because I always wanted to learn to play the piano. But I just don't have the motivation to get addicted to it. I was never talented at music. Now that I think of it, I don't even think I have talent in anything. I can't even perform really good in games.

This... Being bored of playing games is taking a really big toll on me. I haven't faced these thoughts since like sophomore year college. I used to stress out so much about grades because I got denied from getting into School of Management. Then I stressed out about my grades because I couldn't get a job.

I was reading on reddit once and people were talking about how happiness is not correlated to money. Money can bring some sort of happiness, but it's not the primary source of happiness. You can't say it doesn't bring happiness because you definitely can't get happiness from being poverty. One guy mentioned that not being super intelligent might also be a good thing. By not being super intelligent, you're just a simple guy. You get ordinary jobs that you might not have to stress over (This is somewhat true. I'm kind of glad that I didn't get into any of the Big 4 Accounting firms. My friends were stressing out so much during busy season. I think I can handle it, but if I can avoid it, I might as well.)

Seems like I'm just jibber jabbering all over the place. I don't know. I really want to find a new interest. I want to find something that will motivate me. Something life changing. I'm going to go crazy if I keep having these stupid thoughts. Why can't I just be a simple guy?

Maybe I need a companion, like a puppy.

走到人生的极端

Dude, I don't even like to write. I don't know why I have a blog, but I have a blog. :)

I think I've reach the climax of life and now it's just slowly sliding down. I got a stable job, I got my beautiful love ( my computer), and I'm living the life that I've been wanting since I was a kid. I just go to work, come home and not have to worry about doing homework and just play games until I need to sleep. Every kid wants this dream. But I guess I'm not a kid anymore...

I'm starting to lose interest in playing games and it's very clear to me... It seems like I'm doing the same thing over and over again everyday. On League of Legends, I'm just playing the same thing every 40 minutes. On TERA, I'm doing quests after quests and it got boring when all my friend are higher or lower level than me.

Ever so often, I'd reflect on my life. Is this what I really want? Go to work and come home to games everyday? A few years ago, that'd be a yes. Now, it's just... meh.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm in denial. I act like I'm having the Bay Life where I don't give a shit about anything and chill all day long. I do whatever the hell I want to do and nothing around me is so important that I need to stop everything else to go deal with that problem. I just live everyday without plans and go on day after day not caring about anything. That's the life I love to be in. No girl in my life to tell me when I need to sleep or when I need to wake up. I don't have to give a damn about another person being upset and I need to comfort them. I don't need to worry about another person on top of worrying about myself. I can play games and no one would tell me it's bad. I don't have to go out every so often to have dinner and pay like $30/50/90 for a meal. I don't have to worry about birthdays, Valentine's Day, Anniversaries, Christmas, etc.

All that is great, but sometimes... I kind of feel like this kind of life is going no where. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm going in a loop as if I'm stuck in one place with no progress. Sometimes... I want to settle down and start a family. God, I feel old. As a matter of fact, I started preferring to drink warm water instead of cold water. I want to try new things like going to church and becoming a Christian. What kind of kid wants to go to church?! Yeah... I see these husband and wife walking down the street holding their kid's hands and swinging him around smiling and filled with joy, I want to do that too. I want to have my own house; my own family. Give meaning to life rather than numbing my brain to games.

Ehh... Who am I kidding? Girls are annoying and all they want is their guys to stop playing games and love them more! Rubbish. I'm gonna go find a new game to play! Bay Life, niggahz! :D

Happy 2 Years Anniversary!

Two year from the day I created this blog. :)

Cloudy

I passed out at 9pm and now i cant fall back asleep. I'm laying in my bed looking through my phone and going online. So many things happened over the past few years. Happy things, sad things, fun things, wonderful things, scary things, life changing things, everything. Did i make the right choices? A lot of yeses, a lot of noes, and a lot of i dont knows and im not sures. Im 23 now. Reflecting back at life, I got all the way here. It wasnt an easy journey, but I would like to thank all the love ones in my life, whether in the past or today, for being in my life. The Earth continues to revolve and life has to continue to move on.Instead of looking at all my own weaknesses, why not try looking at my strengths for once. Im a great individual in this world. Henry, 加油. theres a long road ahead of you. no matter how many difficulties get in your way, theres always love ones beside you and support you. :)

i should attempt to sleep again!