Self Improvement

This summer, I decided to adopt a dog. I named him Dexter. He was a strayed dog from Tennessee and I guess due to that he's extremely timid and scared about a lot of stuff. Over the last 5 months, I can say I've been trying my best to show Dexter that everything is okay and there's nothing to be afraid of in this world. But I can't say that I am completely doing all the right things. Bringing Dexter home has brought out the true side of me. I discovered a lot of new things about me that I might not have known about if I have never gotten a dog. Frustration, stress, anger... Lets just say there are a lot of times when I thought about just giving him back up for adoption because I don't fit as a good single parent of a dog.

The summer ended and I felt like this year has been the less memorable year for the past few years because I adopted a dog and I didn't do much since I was required to be at home with him a lot of the time; calling out on events with friends. I felt like this year was wasted. I thought it'd be an okay trade off getting less time with friends in return of having a dog. Regret? You might be able to say that. But I soon learn that maybe it might actually have benefited me.

This year was not a waste actually. I laugh at myself thinking of what might have happened this year. I feel like this year has been my equivalent of the book "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." Not necessarily to help me discover why I am alive, but to help me discover myself deeper. A friend from Hong Kong came to the US for a summer program at Yale and she dropped by to visit me in Boston. A friend from New York that I always found to be annoying when I knew her in college came to visit our friends in Boston and to celebrate her birthday. Dexter has entered my life. My two bestest friends in my life continue to help me grow.

What have I learned? Ever since middle school, I have always felt like I am a failure. My parents never really encouraged me to do good in school. I haven't really achieved anything big in life. I've always felt that I mess up at everything I do. I always compare myself to people who I think are better than me and just keep putting myself down. But no one has ever given up on me. No one in my life has ever said I'm a failure or a useless piece of shit. The people around me continue to support me, love me as a friend, and encourage me that I can achieve things if I put my mind into it.

Dexter has brought out the dark side of me, but knowing what I am capable of being when I'm upset will help me grow into a better person. I need to control my emotions and find new ways to deal with it and not just rush towards blowing off the steam the wrong way.

I've talked a lot with Apple when she was here. She can tell that I am a genuine person. I just need to stop putting myself down and have more confidence in myself.

I've always talked a lot with Lucy. She asked me a question of what I think of her. I used to think she's an annoying brat that just complains a lot about mindless things that she shouldn't even think about. But it seems like I shouldn't be the one talking because I could say the same about myself. Over the years, I feel that she has grown into a stronger person after being in Shanghai and moving to New York. She has grown a lot and matured a lot and it seems like that I'm still stuck in one place. She said it's great to ask friends for advice and talk to them about your problems, but at the end of the day, it goes back to you that has to make the final decision to make a difference for yourself.

Unkei and Eva has always been in my life and giving me the moral support even though it seems like all of us are in the same position. I feel that they have given more than I could even ask for. They will always be the two greatest friends in my life.

What do these people have in common? They're all strong individuals and they're all wonderful friends to me. They're all different in their own ways, but we share the same goal; to continue to grow and improve into better person and live a happy life.

Discovering myself is a step toward being a stronger person. The path through life might not be the smoothest pavement down the road, but these are the things that defines who you are and helps you grow into a better person.

I'm not really good at explaining my feelings in words. These things comes out so much smoother when I was thinking about it but comes out stupid sounding when I'm typing. I'm going to call it a night now, but there are a few quotes that I've picked up this year that I will bring along with me down this road.

"What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger."
"Don't think about the past and focus on the present."
"Henry, have more confidence in yourself. You're a wonderful person, but you just need to stop putting yourself down. You can achieve wonderful things if you take that first step."

Don't feel comfortable of where you are current at. Always seek out for improvement. This is the only way to achieve the quality of life you with to reach.

SUNY University at Buffalo

I'm really glad I came. I was about to chicken out last minute. The drive was 7 hours, but I got to relive the college carefree life. ^_^

Greatest Remedy

Gaming; an escape to the fantasy world where I can free my mind from the pollution of reality.

Bitter Sweet Confession

What a beautiful Easter weekend. Perfect weather, children running around outside, everyone with their joyful smile heading out to church... Days like these makes the world just a little brighter everyday. ^_^

It's been a year and three months since I've broken up with Vicky. I've had my ups and downs, lefts and rights over the year. I think that relationship has taken a toll on me. Not that I've found anyone that I am interested in, but I have a fear that what if I get back into a relationship and it doesn't work out again? I'm scared to start another relationship. I've had online relationships before and I truly love the ones that I've loved. But when it ends, the moment you log off, it seems as if just another day has ended. My heart was broken, but it wasn't as bad as the last one. I guess a broken four year relationship isn't that easy to heal.

But... I've recently started to fall in love with someone; someone that I do not want to be in love with. She's one of the greatest friends that I've ever had in my life. I want to be able to be with her for the rest of my life... As friends? I want to love her but I fear that if I be with her and we find something that we don't like about each other, it might turn for the worse; no relationship or friendship. I fear that if we be together and something happens, we cannot be friends anymore. I rather be friends than no friends at all; even if it hurts inside.

I gathered up my courage and informed her that I started to like her. But I reassured her of something else. I told her that I have always viewed her as a really good friend. I guess it's because that we've been hanging out together quite often recently, I'm starting to fall for me. I told her I wanted her to get back into a relationship so I do not view her as more than just friends.

Am I lying? I could be... I have always felt that she is a wonderful person. She is really wonderful. We have common interest, she's a really caring and great person. Her personality almost exactly like mine. There's some stuff I don't really like about her, but they're so insignificant. She became one of my greatest friend and we do almost everything together. Even after college, we try to catch up with our group at least twice a month. Deep down inside, I truly love her; as a friend and as someone I would want to be with forever. But... I can't show it because I don't want to lose her. As long as we are friends, I can be with her for just a little bit longer until she gets married... It's different being friends and being lover and I don't know if I can love again. We if I screw up again?


What if I screw up again?


What if?


.

Singletine's Day

Never falling in love ever again. Shit's scary.

Spent the night with my 2 bestest friend in the whole wide world cuz that's love too <35ever

Direction of my Life

Am I headed towards the right direction? It has been almost a year. I have found new activities to keep myself busy and I have nearly dropped them all. Maybe it's the Winter, maybe it's me. But right now, I feel like a lazy bum. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I want to do more and I want someone beside me to do it with me; whether it be a new hobby or a life changing experience. Significant other? Maybe. Or maybe just a best friend. Someone I can rely on that will stick beside me no matter what.

Right now, all I really want to do is leave everything behind and travel to a new place. A place where I can just get away from everything for a year or two and experience something new, something crazy, something exciting, something different. As much as I want to do that, I don't think it's really the right time. If only I was fortunate enough like other people that are monetarily well off... For now, I can just slug through it. Maybe one day when my mind is about to explode... Or when I save up enough to get away and not have my parents and family worry about me. I'm so sick of Massachusetts. As much as I like my job and friends, I'm really sick of the environment around me. I'm so sick of the games I play. I'm so sick of the internet. I want something fresh. I want to pack up and go far far away. Away. Far away. No technology. No stress. No worries.

One day.

Some day.