Self-Reflection...

Hmm... Everytime I blog, it's about something sad. Why am I so dissatisfied with my life?

Here goes another sad post. :( Hopefully, it will only get better.

Senior year is about to be over. I reflected on this academic year and I realized that I have made a lot of new friends this year; both guys and girls. Many of them are from the School of Management. Some of them just cool people. But I see all these people around me having such successful lives. They do good in school, they have a job waiting for them right when they get out, and they're all set for life. What do I have? I'm really excited to go to Hong Kong this summer. I wish Victoria can go with me, but she doesn't have the time right now because she needs to take her nursing license exam. I understand that it is important. Everywhere I go, I see successful people and it really puts me down. Is it okay to expect so much from myself? I mean, this year, I've accomplished so many things. I got accepted to study and intern abroad at University of Hong Kong. I volunteered to help international students prepare their tax return. I got indicted to Beta Alpha Psi, a national honor business organization for business majors. I was accepted to receive the a scholarship from the School of Management of $1250. I realized that I've achieved so many things, yet I reflect on them as mistakes and flukes. When I was accepted for the study/intern abroad, I told myself that maybe they wanted more foreigners rather than accepting all HKU students and just so happen that not enough foreigners applied so I got the spot. I got the scholarship because it was an accident and I financially need it. I had to go to a banquet to receive that award. It was fun and all, but it only put me down even more because majority of the students that received scholarships had 3.97 GPA...

I wish I can somehow view my achievements as something special and I've done a lot to deserve it, but I just can't come to that conclusion.

Was my mom supportive of me when I was little? I grew really angry at my mom. She would yell at me and hit me if I didn't memorize the multiplication table by 1st grade. She almost threw me out of the house because I couldn't translate a letter to her back in Chinese. She almost killed me when she thought I was fighting in school. I was yelled at for doing bad in school but never praised for doing good in school. Once I started college, I started to realize that my mom is really important. She raised me all those years, provided me housing, food and brought me to a lot of places. She provided me so much stuff. But does that make up for the lack of support? She knew about Boston Latin School and she didn't have me apply for it. She would always praise about how her friend's daughters and sons are so smart and how stupid I am. I was so angry at my mom to a point that I refused to tell her anything about my college application status until I was certain that I'm going to attend UMass Amherst. In a way, she's a good mother. I feel that if she provided me support educational wise, I could of turned out better.

Today, I took my Auditing exam. I studied for two days straight with full on focus. At the exam, I didn't get half of the multiple choices and completely bombed one of my two essays. I'm really scared for this class. I failed a class with this Professor once and I really wanted to prove to him that I am not stupid. I promised myself to do extremely well in this class at the start of the semester. Now I am expected a C- for the class. I really took interest in this class. Auditing sounded really interesting to me and I loved it. People say when you're interested, you'll do good in a class. Why doesn't it work for me?

Sometimes, I feel like I'm worse than people that just came to America. My grammar is really bad and I barely understand half the questions that goes on on every exam.

I saw a friend's Facebook status today saying she got a full time offer with Microsoft. My roommate got an internship with UTC Power. My cousin basically got a secure job with Ernst & Young. People around me are so successful. I am here, struggling to raise my GPA. Trying to improve my communication skills. Trying really hard to get a job.

My mom's friend always tell me this Chinese phrase: "If it's your, it's yours. If it's not yours, it's not yours." Something like "是你的就是你的。不是你的就不是你的。" It means that if the opportunity if yours, it will come to you. If it's not yours, don't beat yourself over it.

20 more days until I leave for Hong Kong. I originally planned to travel with Victoria to Macau, Taiwan, Japan, and stay a week in Hong Kong before my program starts. She can't go now, so I'll be in Hong Kong for a month. I recently read my friend's blog she went all over Europe while blogging her everyday travel and study abroad. My friend that went to study abroad in China went all over the place and took a lot of pictures. I have a friend that told me not to be scared of travel alone. Just go out there and make some new friends. I am really tempted to go out alone to Macau, Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong and just travel on my own. That will really throw myself out of my comfort zone and just leave me out there to communicate with strangers. Is it a good idea? My friends had other study abroad people with them, but I'll just be on my own... I don't know yet, but I really hope I'll make it worth a life time. My mom asked if I was going to do this program with any friends. I told her no and I didn't want to do it with friends. I really wanted to put myself out there and push myself to just open out and communicate with new people. I know there are going to be people that will know each other and it will be hard for me to make friends with people that already know each other, but I hope I will try my best and come back to the United States as a new person.

This has been a really messy post and I just wanted to throw out whatever that comes to my mind.

I am 22 years old and I still have a whole life ahead of me. I hope I was enjoy it and have a happy life while I can. It's been hard on me, but I'm getting by... I can feel that good things are going to happen soon... I am taking an extra semester so I can give it another go at meeting people and getting a job before I graduate. I am taking a public speaking class and a college level ESL class to attempt to scratch up my English. It'll be a great time.